i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
