i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
