i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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