maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
