you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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