woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my shit smells like andre
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
