U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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