I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
