Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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