FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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