Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
