yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
