Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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