i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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