Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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