you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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