He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
