Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
