I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
