Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
