Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
