I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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