guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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