I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
