My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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