I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
