he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What happened to fro yo and sex?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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