I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
