Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
