Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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