just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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