Will you blow on my dice?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
