After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so let's talk penis.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
