just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
