maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
