I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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