I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
