what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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