i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
