I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
