Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
