The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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