she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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