We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
