is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
