turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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