There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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