Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
