sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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