I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can I color on your dick again?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
