my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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