I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
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I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
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We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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