girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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