Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
