you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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