i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
