sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
