Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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